A confusing and stressful time in our marriage as poor communication doesn't help the situation. I'm trying to say as little as possible so as not to provide any fuel for further arguments but this makes me appear cold and distant but a lot has been said already. We seem to manage to go a few days without any cross words but I get the impression that this is then confused with things being better. Whilst ideally we should remain civil, I can't brush all that has been said and done away.
   The response I receive is that I'm not trying and that it may be best if I moved out and Alison wants nothing from me, only for things to calm down later. The last round included the petty statements that we should see to ourselves for meal times and laundry showed how ridiculous these arguments get and causes more upset all round, especially for Bethany. Alison's declaration that she would shop and cook for herself after questioning my motives for doing some laundry whilst she was at work demonstrate how intolerable the situation can be.
   Taking Bethany to the park to give her some time to concentrate on filling out application forms, things had calmed down when I returned - I was no longer required to move in with my parents immediately, which was more a case of rational thinking in the intervening period, rather than as a result of bonding over Bethany after I told her of her accident. Alison was already calmer when I mentioned that a goose had bit her hand but that she was fine as it had not broken the skin. My bags had not been packed and I prepared the tea for all three of us.
   With a bit of luck I may have a few days grace again :-\

I gave myself a little shock the other night. I made a return to Twitter last night for what I intended yo be a brief foray but altered my bio and avi beforehand. On Thursday night I tinkered with my bio on the @designahaiku account which I seldom use and only has a handful of followers so didn't mind playing around in there without actually posting anything.
   Due to the infrequent posts, still near the top of my profile page, was a post I made before Amanda's death was announced where I, slightly vaguely, declared my fear that the worst had happened as I hadn't heard from her for a few days. With everything that followed I did not think any more of it but saw it again then.
https://twitter.com/designahaiku/status/201675047373520896

What struck me was the date and time: I posted that two hours before Amanda died. We said we had a wavelength but that sent a shiver down my spine. I had been fearing the worst since the Friday but still hoped I was wrong and far too premature but by the time I posted that I believed I would never hear from her again. RIP Amanda :'(

Yesterday was Amanda's funeral and Twitter again paid due tribute to a wonderful person. I broke from my self imposed exile to post a couple of comments and retweet those of others thus making it churlish not to reply back to those who mentioned me, although I kept it brief and stated I would make an appearance at the weekend. Even after nearly six weeks the emotion is still very raw and Amanda's loss is still keenly felt. Sadness, anger and love were all evident in people's responses with many taking the time to think of their interactions with a person they had not met or even seen.
   It was a day of reflection for Twitter as many remembered the joy she brought. Someone commented about re-reading her old emails - something I've been doing on a daily basis, as well as listening to her Boos to the extent that I can practically recite them all and reading the tweets posted to the #RIPAmanda hashtag just showed how many lives she touched.
   She always listened and offered untold support and after a few words of advice would say something silly to lighten the mood. This was never inappropriate and always had the desired effect of making me smile. I could do with a chat and a giggle now. Therapist, comedy rhyming partner but most of all a friend: I miss you so very much Amanda, RIP.


                                                                             ~~~~~~~~


  

Don't have much to say only that, 5 weeks after Amanda died, I've seen from her husband's post that her funeral will take place on Thursday 21st. Such a long wait which may grant some peace to all concerned.

 

It has been claimed that the most distressing times one can endure are through death, divorce and moving house. As if Amanda's death wasn't upsetting enough, last week I admitted to Alison that I wasn't happy with the constant rows and it wasn't fair on Bethany to be caught in the middle. As such I said it was best we separate, with consequent upshot of mw going for a clean sweep and have to move out.
Finances dictate that this isn't really feasible at the moment, leaving us in the odd limbo position of openly admitting what the case has been for the last several months: that this is a marriage of convenience for the sake of Bethany and the mortgage only with me now seeping on the futon in the spare room. Until Alison finds a job this may well remain the situation for a while but at least I am still close to Bethany and we know where we stand with each other.
That's not to say that the situation isn't awkward and uncomfortable and the atmosphere can easily change from pleasant to frosty and we have agreed to see a counsellor, with reservations as to how successful that may or may not be. My personal feelings I have recorded elsewhere and I shall leave them private, certainly for the moment.
Not too sure how things will pan out and may not post anything for a while until something is resolved - I have already taken a sabbatical from Twitter as I seek to get things sorted and work out what is best for Bethany. The main reason for that is that I know I would end up mentioning something and I would rather not get personal in my timeline - especially if I'm going to be whiny too.
I'll still respond to DMs, just hide for the time being, although I don't think anybody has noticed yet anyway.
Bye for now :-/

Thought I'd gone and done with all the moping? So did I and felt I'd I have little else to add in one place or another but a stressful weekend hasn't helped to brighten my mood. A tense atmosphere isn't anything new but could always be alleviated with a chat to Amanda - yes, I'm still missing her.
   For some reason this morning feels particularly empty which may have something to do with being moved by her husband posting tracks to her last night under the #RIPAmanda hashtag with little messages as the 2 week anniversary of her death passed. Also constant reminders highlight how empty everything feels without her. I can't go to work without being surrounded by hops - something we used to joke about. Posted a photo holding hop pellets in my hand and sent photos of silly signs from around the Brewery about cleaning up after weighing Hops.
  Hopefully if other things are resolved soon, that may help.

I've now wrote most of the things I needed to down, either here or privately, while memories were fresh and it has been a cathartic process. I felt that, despite all the various tributes and pieces I wrote, there was still so much left to say. I still do have so much left to say but what I need to say unfortunately has to be to Amanda. I miss our chats and the last fortnight has provided plenty of material that we could have had a wry smile over were it possible as well as simply being able to tell her I miss her and say Goodbye.
   But it's the first part over in being able to move on. I can never (and don't want to) forget Amanda but I feel I'm almost ready for the next stage. I may detail what that involves in private blog, but there's no real need, and I may report back here should I go ahead. Whatever the outcome it will be a difficult time coming up so I may be sporadic on here again. I'm being cryptic again no doubt; well tough - if you don't like it, jog on. Oh! You already have.
   Bugger.

Ghosts

It is now over a week since Amanda died and the sense of loss seems even bigger if anything. The tears have dried somewhat but there is a massive hole in my life now. I felt it driving to work on Sunday night. Ordinarily I would have been chatting to her and would have said Goodbye as I left - not something that happened last week on earlies as I leave so early. A quiet night shift with no DMs to talk to her just intensify that huge gap.
   Last night then felt rather poignant when I was notified that her account had retweeted and favourited a tweet of mine (a boo of me reading the poem I wrote). Her husband has been retweeting some blog pieces and my poem but the timing got me a little. Later on I discovered that her brother had started following me on Twitter as well as I recognised the name and the only other account he followed was Amanda's. He hadn't posted anything at the time but put a tribute message to her this morning which I retweeted and replied to when I woke, offering my condolences. He answered by thanking me for keeping up with her humour and said he'd been reading and enjoying our exchanges.
   I want to jump into conversations or respond to something somebody says but my heart is still not in it yet. I'll read my timeline, do a few retweets and slope back off. Might try again later.

Another day and another need to post something about Amanda. It's a week today since she died and someone had the idea of tweeting her trademark smiley sign off with 7 kisses ;-)xxxxxxxx to the #RIPAmanda hashtag to mark it. I agreed to participate if others thought it a good idea despite some reservations I can't quite explain - possibly feeling I've said enough publicly, aside from various tributes I've commented on other blog pieces including on on this one by @1ElephantsChild. I felt I'd brought my public comments to completion with y #ff's on Friday where I thanked all those who had said kind things and had shown support to me. This seemed a suitable way to draw a line under my timeline talk. Then I received this request, which was hard to refuse and as of the moment 4 or 5 people have participated. He hasn't mentioned anything to me yet so I may play it by ear. I did promise but would feel more comfortable if any comment was hidden amongst many others.
   In her piece, Ellie mentions trying to hide but knew that Amanda would find her. This made me remember that she was incredibly observant. I recall her telling me almost as soon as her new account appeared that she suspected who it was. The use of lilac and the people she was following (with her son the 1st) were among the few clues she needed to work it out before Ellie told her. I saw how she noticed little things that may seem insignificant first hand when she mentioned something I hadn't told her before but she had already realised. That's what set her apart from a lot of people - she took the time to look and examine and understand. She had a thirst for knowledge that was more than mere politeness which I thought initially when asking me about my job as she mentioned and encouraged others to do likewise and repeating one description asked if I found it as fascinating as she was.
   She was never afraid to ask questions if she didn't understand anything and when detailing any information to me assumed a certain level of knowledge - no patronisation. Technical terms I googled as I waited the next update as she beautifully detailed her experiences, thoughtfully adding that she thought I would be interested because of my science background. In truth, the subject wasn't always important and always of interest.
   That's the reason why everything feels a bit flat. Only this morning I've done a little rhyming with four or five other smart tweeps who were all singing my praises started when one replied to an anniversary tweet to say nice to see me back (not really gone away). This started to feel a bit uncomfortable and I let it drift away and I suspect there was an element of support about it, which is nice that they care, but I find it hard to accept praise at the best of times. Amanda helped with this with her constant endorsements and I gained untold followers on the back of her constant retweeting of me. In time I may regain some confidence but without Amanda on my timeline it feels pointless. I know she would not like this and as I've said previously I will endeavour to honour her memory but all in good time.
  

If proof were needed that my head isn't in the right place I received a written warning at work yesterday after a silly mistake. Of itself it was an easy error that wouldn't have merited such action but it's the third such mistake in a few months as I have been somewhat preoccupied with one thing or another. I received the spiel of work rate and ethic fine, but the attention to detail was lacking as I failed to double check. I think they were aware of 'Personal Issues' but I refused to offer this as an excuse as I have no intention of going into any details for a start. Sorry, smack on the knuckles and don't do it again.
  It is true that my head is not right as I continue to mourn Amanda's passing and her condition has preyed on my mind for a while amongst other things. She wouldn't be happy with this development and would feel guilty DMing me at work thinking I may get into trouble and I would joke about going into stealth mode on starting work where I would remove myself from the timeline and surreptitiously DM throughout my shift when I could.
   She became my rock in DMs where I could tell her anything and she would never judge and she was free to tell me anything. There was very little complaint about anything aside from a little frustration about not being in a tweeting mood in the last few weeks and she was happy to talk frankly. I miss that so much. Others kindly offer support but I couldn't possibly talk in the same way to any of them and even on this blog I have to rein myself in, not be fully open and you don't talk back and reassure me that everything will be alright.
   It is such a strange feeling and people know that something is wrong but it is hard to explain why I should be so upset so keep it as vague as possible. I don't remember being quite this upset when I lost family members as a teenager and silly things remind me of what is no longer there from boring messages whilst doing the shopping to logging into MSN to see the message 'Amanda is Offline'. I know she would hate to see me react this way and I hope to do her justice but for now emotions are raw. I saw someone comment about honouring a promise they had made her. I made several, some of which I can no longer keep, others I achieved. Others are still unresolved but I will do my damnedest to make her proud.

Still grieving

It looks like this blog may become a surrogate for the interactions I now miss on Twitter. It is telling that the big gap between posts on here coincide with the time I spent conversing with Amanda on Twitter as we tended to spend any spare moments either sparring in a rhyming duel on our timelines or just chatting in DMs. In there she was my rock as well where I could open up and she would listen, initially I thought, but later realised willingly such was her nature. Alternatively we may just chat with the rhyming shackles removed, often running both streams in sync commenting on our public, rhyming chat, laughing at our own in jokes or at how far we (usually her) dared push the boundaries.
   To an outsider this may seem odd and it's certainly something Alison can't understand, about the nature of friendship with someone you haven't met but we supported each other as well telling each other how popular we were to the disbelief of the other. Most of all it was about fun. We had a laugh and looking at some of the responses others did too whether just reading our chats or joining in.
  Yet another day has passed with me crying over her death, this morning I filled up on reading a eulogy by @ScottHoad which sums Amanda up very well. I then had reason to look back over the mentions I received to make a note of who they were from and I was in floods again. So many words have been written already and yet I feel I have so much left to say. Unfortunately, most of it I want to say to Amanda. There is a lot of noise but everything feels quiet. So many followers have been kind and offered support yet I feel lonely. Real life distracts but that emptiness is always there. Bethany certainly occupies and entertains and Alison keeps me busy but it's not the same. Whatever happens in the future she will leave a hole in many people's lives that won't be easy to fill.
RIP Amanda
#FuckCancer

#RIPAmanda

My last post may have been slightly cryptic to the one person that saw it, but that was not its aim. Since then developments mean I can probably reveal more and this is purely a cathartic exercise to express how I'm feeling. Most details are already in the public domain on Twitter, but that was not for me.
   As the title suggests, my fear from the other day was realised and a good friend passed away on Sunday 13th May 2012 at the age of 36 from cancer. It can feel strange saying that still and I've cried a lot since I found out over a woman I never met but who I got on with so well. Amanda was @no_left_feet on Twitter and called herself Hops. She was the most fun, caring, kind, cheeky and friendly person you could wish to know with a sharp wit. Her modesty would deny this and we would often sing each other's praises whilst denying the worth of what the other said. Her passing has shown that perhaps we may have both had a point.
   She first got osteosarcoma 2 years ago which resulted in the amputation of her left leg and chemotherapy. About 3 months ago she found a lump on her back, which was successfully removed but the tumour had spread to her lung as well. Despite all this she remained upbeat and positive and my interactions with her always a source of joy. She was fully aware of her fate, although I think many were surprised by the speed which her cancer grew.
   My Twitter account was basically me rhyming some anniversary or other but Amanda decided to join in and rhymed back to me, turning an ordinary chat into a rhyming couplet sparring session. Others joined in, but she continued to regularly rhyme which were often just silly and full of in-jokes but seemed to entertain others. One of the nicest tributes I saw this morning from a mutual follower which was nice to read.
   I last heard from her on Wed 9th, just before midnight after being in daily contact with her. She was tired and in pain but still happy to chat privately with me in DMs. She had beenn readmitted to hospital the day before after the Bank Holiday weekend to hopefully sart chemotherapy - this hadn't happened as in her own words she was not "match fit". I think we both realised that time may be limited then and I couldn't help notice her getting worse as, for one of the rare times, she complained of having a bad day. Monday had been bad, Tuesday was worse and earlier on Wednesday she said there might be an infection but felt relief from after a chest drain. On the evening, not wanting to get sucked into my timeline I was happy to stay there and mentioned I'd composed a rhyme for the passing of Vidal Sassoon which she insisted on seeing. I sent her it with a comment about wanting to rhyme with 'shaved baboon' but thought best not. She called me silly and then said she was having difficulties with her cannula and it might take ages. That was her last message to me.
   Not hearing anything by Friday I started to fear the worst as she would have tried to get back in touch by then and I wept already dreading what her condition was. That was Alison's birthday and we went for a meal in the evening with me trying to put a brave face on (she doesn't understand Twitter and how such relationships can grow and build with strangers). I had a long weekend, having put holidays in for Alison and my Dad's birthday so spent a lot of time moping.
   One of my concerns which we had discussed was that I would never know when she died but would lose contact and assume the worst from then. She anticipated closing her Twitter account as she deteriorated, didn't think her husband would mention her passing and thought she would slowly fade away and be forgotten about. How wrong she was. On the evening of 14th (my Dad's birthday) he did post on her page of her passing the previous day. The response was immediate and overwhelming. Hundreds of people, some of whom didn't follow her but were intrigued started sending their condolences. In a piece I wrote the following day I mentioned how she doubted she was popular and thought she probably annoyed as many people as she entertained. Again she was proved wrong.
   Obviously, I needed to write a poem for her and had a rough draft which I had sketched out on the Friday but which was based on not knowing her condition only that she had been missing for too long and assuming the worst. Having the confirmation meant a little rework which I then posted a couplet at a time through the tears. This is when I suspected she might have been onto something with regards to myself as the response to the poem took me by surprise. What was intended as a personal tribute became something that many others started to retweet and comment on. I was receiving comments from grown men saying they were in tears reading it and that it showed everything that was good about Twitter (emotions were raw!) Many others were recommending their followers to look at it for which I was truly touched if a little uncomfortable. I never intended for any limelight (not that I attach any) and it will be soon enough forgotten but for a brief moment I felt honoured that all her followers were allowing me the voice to speak on their behalf. Possibly knowing how close we'd become in our interactions.
   But for that brief moment, I hope I did her proud. As I wanted to say "I told you so" to her, no doubt she would have pointed to my new followers with her cheeky grin and simply put ;op . The most touching part came when I got up the next morning to find a DM from her husband, who had retweeted the poem onto her timeline, thanking me for my words and saying Amanda would have approved and she talked about me a lot.
    It's still hard to describe why I should be so affected by someone I never met but I'm not the only one. I still expect her to get back in touch: I've got so much to tell her and I can't tell you. I just feel so privileged to have known her - she was a positive influence on my life. I know there is another thing I need to do that she wanted, but that's for a later date (if I have the bottle - may report back if I do, but don't hold your breath). As well as her husband, she leaves behind two teenage daughters, both her parents, three brothers and a sister as well as countless nieces and nephews and many friends who will have a big hole in their lives now. For now I know I miss her so much already. RIP Amanda - my partner in rhyme.

Bet you thought I'd forgotten all about you didn't you. Hiding away, ignored, nothing to say for the last 5 months. Pretty true really. I did get rather bored with the dullness of recording the mundane minutiae of my life and it was taking up too much time.
  And irony of ironies, I finally have something worthy to report but I am not prepared to say a word in what is still a public environment even if barely any fucker except myself reads this. Suffice to say this week has been dramatic and emotional and my head is in absolute fucking bits. I would apologise to anybody who stumbles upon this and is mildly piqued with interest but frankly I don't care. This isn't for you and I am using this process in a purely cathartic way. While I might not be saying on the page it is giving me an outlet to scream FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK! if nothing else as I can't tell a single person what is going on in my head or what may have happened. I was nearly tempted to entrust partial information to some but the opportunity may not arise and that is for the best.
   I'm not good at partial tales - all or nothing so nothing it shall be. Time will be my confidante and healer and there is still hope that part of my upset is from a misconception and I could be wrong. I fear not, and if not now then soon *cries*

   Well I suppose I should start by saying Happy New Year and so I have. As these posts become more sporadic it is nice to see me bleary eyed on New Years Day to pop in for a visit. Understandably the last few weeks have been hectic with the run up and actual day of Christmas. The greatest chore resulting from the aftermath being assembling a trampoline that Helen had bought for Bethany. I believe I excelled in not uttering too many swear words as I gradually lost feeling in my hands trying to stretch the elastic taught enough around the frame.
   After breathing a sigh of relief that Christmas was over, Nathan celebrated his 2nd birthday and was not best pleased when Bethany played with his toys when we went round. The pair of them were rather possessive and jealous and a few tears were spilt as we tried to let them all have turns on one thing or another.
   After the bathroom leak caused headaches bringing the ceiling down in the hall, we almost got the feeling of being picked on when Alison noticed the front room carpet was soaking wet. On closer inspection the floorboards were dry and it appeared that a nut on the radiator was loose which stopped leaking when tightened. My dad put some sort of sealant around for good luck and we were left with the carpet pulled back for Christmas Eve too try and dry the underlay. When the boiler stopped working last week, it merely felt like par for the course. The error message that it gave has occurred before and is usually easily reset but not on this occasion. I was working nights but called round Anna's for some plug in radiators before I started. The next morning Alison called the gas fitter we had wanted to fit the boiler, but who was unavailable at the time, that Anna had recommended. Bethany decided to wake me about 10am and he was due to call at 11am. Too tired to stay up, and on the basis he may be late, I went back to bed only to be awoken at about 10:50am by a doorbell. I ran downstairs but there was nobody at the door - it had been Bethany playing with the bell on her new doll's house. I trudged back upstairs only to come back down 10 minutes later when the gas fitter turned up for real. He blamed an ignition switch, cleaned it and adjusted the gap all within half an hour. Not wanting any payment then, he said he would call back the following week after the holidays to make sure it was still alright or if we needed a new switch. So far so good anyway.
   And so to the New Year which saw Alison working until 6pm and so we went for a meal in the local pub. Getting back home for about 8:15pm we opened some wine, put Bethany to bed and watched some telly before Alison went to bed just after 11pm, being tired and having to get up for work again today. Left on my own to see in the New Year I finished my wine and first said Happy New Year on Twitter as those in the house were asleep and the phone lines were too busy to call or text parents and Helen.
   Not one of my wildest New Years but somewhat more sadly I'm not so bothered anymore. All the best for 2012 anyway.