A confusing and stressful time in our marriage as poor communication doesn't help the situation. I'm trying to say as little as possible so as not to provide any fuel for further arguments but this makes me appear cold and distant but a lot has been said already. We seem to manage to go a few days without any cross words but I get the impression that this is then confused with things being better. Whilst ideally we should remain civil, I can't brush all that has been said and done away.
   The response I receive is that I'm not trying and that it may be best if I moved out and Alison wants nothing from me, only for things to calm down later. The last round included the petty statements that we should see to ourselves for meal times and laundry showed how ridiculous these arguments get and causes more upset all round, especially for Bethany. Alison's declaration that she would shop and cook for herself after questioning my motives for doing some laundry whilst she was at work demonstrate how intolerable the situation can be.
   Taking Bethany to the park to give her some time to concentrate on filling out application forms, things had calmed down when I returned - I was no longer required to move in with my parents immediately, which was more a case of rational thinking in the intervening period, rather than as a result of bonding over Bethany after I told her of her accident. Alison was already calmer when I mentioned that a goose had bit her hand but that she was fine as it had not broken the skin. My bags had not been packed and I prepared the tea for all three of us.
   With a bit of luck I may have a few days grace again :-\

I gave myself a little shock the other night. I made a return to Twitter last night for what I intended yo be a brief foray but altered my bio and avi beforehand. On Thursday night I tinkered with my bio on the @designahaiku account which I seldom use and only has a handful of followers so didn't mind playing around in there without actually posting anything.
   Due to the infrequent posts, still near the top of my profile page, was a post I made before Amanda's death was announced where I, slightly vaguely, declared my fear that the worst had happened as I hadn't heard from her for a few days. With everything that followed I did not think any more of it but saw it again then.
https://twitter.com/designahaiku/status/201675047373520896

What struck me was the date and time: I posted that two hours before Amanda died. We said we had a wavelength but that sent a shiver down my spine. I had been fearing the worst since the Friday but still hoped I was wrong and far too premature but by the time I posted that I believed I would never hear from her again. RIP Amanda :'(

Yesterday was Amanda's funeral and Twitter again paid due tribute to a wonderful person. I broke from my self imposed exile to post a couple of comments and retweet those of others thus making it churlish not to reply back to those who mentioned me, although I kept it brief and stated I would make an appearance at the weekend. Even after nearly six weeks the emotion is still very raw and Amanda's loss is still keenly felt. Sadness, anger and love were all evident in people's responses with many taking the time to think of their interactions with a person they had not met or even seen.
   It was a day of reflection for Twitter as many remembered the joy she brought. Someone commented about re-reading her old emails - something I've been doing on a daily basis, as well as listening to her Boos to the extent that I can practically recite them all and reading the tweets posted to the #RIPAmanda hashtag just showed how many lives she touched.
   She always listened and offered untold support and after a few words of advice would say something silly to lighten the mood. This was never inappropriate and always had the desired effect of making me smile. I could do with a chat and a giggle now. Therapist, comedy rhyming partner but most of all a friend: I miss you so very much Amanda, RIP.


                                                                             ~~~~~~~~


  

Don't have much to say only that, 5 weeks after Amanda died, I've seen from her husband's post that her funeral will take place on Thursday 21st. Such a long wait which may grant some peace to all concerned.

 

It has been claimed that the most distressing times one can endure are through death, divorce and moving house. As if Amanda's death wasn't upsetting enough, last week I admitted to Alison that I wasn't happy with the constant rows and it wasn't fair on Bethany to be caught in the middle. As such I said it was best we separate, with consequent upshot of mw going for a clean sweep and have to move out.
Finances dictate that this isn't really feasible at the moment, leaving us in the odd limbo position of openly admitting what the case has been for the last several months: that this is a marriage of convenience for the sake of Bethany and the mortgage only with me now seeping on the futon in the spare room. Until Alison finds a job this may well remain the situation for a while but at least I am still close to Bethany and we know where we stand with each other.
That's not to say that the situation isn't awkward and uncomfortable and the atmosphere can easily change from pleasant to frosty and we have agreed to see a counsellor, with reservations as to how successful that may or may not be. My personal feelings I have recorded elsewhere and I shall leave them private, certainly for the moment.
Not too sure how things will pan out and may not post anything for a while until something is resolved - I have already taken a sabbatical from Twitter as I seek to get things sorted and work out what is best for Bethany. The main reason for that is that I know I would end up mentioning something and I would rather not get personal in my timeline - especially if I'm going to be whiny too.
I'll still respond to DMs, just hide for the time being, although I don't think anybody has noticed yet anyway.
Bye for now :-/

Thought I'd gone and done with all the moping? So did I and felt I'd I have little else to add in one place or another but a stressful weekend hasn't helped to brighten my mood. A tense atmosphere isn't anything new but could always be alleviated with a chat to Amanda - yes, I'm still missing her.
   For some reason this morning feels particularly empty which may have something to do with being moved by her husband posting tracks to her last night under the #RIPAmanda hashtag with little messages as the 2 week anniversary of her death passed. Also constant reminders highlight how empty everything feels without her. I can't go to work without being surrounded by hops - something we used to joke about. Posted a photo holding hop pellets in my hand and sent photos of silly signs from around the Brewery about cleaning up after weighing Hops.
  Hopefully if other things are resolved soon, that may help.

I've now wrote most of the things I needed to down, either here or privately, while memories were fresh and it has been a cathartic process. I felt that, despite all the various tributes and pieces I wrote, there was still so much left to say. I still do have so much left to say but what I need to say unfortunately has to be to Amanda. I miss our chats and the last fortnight has provided plenty of material that we could have had a wry smile over were it possible as well as simply being able to tell her I miss her and say Goodbye.
   But it's the first part over in being able to move on. I can never (and don't want to) forget Amanda but I feel I'm almost ready for the next stage. I may detail what that involves in private blog, but there's no real need, and I may report back here should I go ahead. Whatever the outcome it will be a difficult time coming up so I may be sporadic on here again. I'm being cryptic again no doubt; well tough - if you don't like it, jog on. Oh! You already have.
   Bugger.